IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ WEIRD POSSIBLY EMOTIONAL THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE AND ONLY ARE READING THIS JOURNAL FOR A LIFE UPDATE- SKIP TO THE BOTTOM. YOU BE WARNED!

LOL

***

I've been needing to have a really good cry lately. You know, sometimes you just need it. I cried the other night. I think it broke raven's heart, but it wasn't enough, and it wasn't for the reason's it needed to be.

Those tears just kind of... escaped, when I wasn't looking. I'm usually very good at keeping this inside.

(this part of the journal is directed to about 6 different somebodies, if you're lost, it's probably not for you.)

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts, but I'm too afraid to reach out, I'm afraid to be hurt again, because you hurt me more than I could possibly let you understand. I don't want to be hurt by you again, and you're so unpredictable sometimes, I never know if you love me because of me, or if you love me because I love you.

I miss you too. My life without you is... Good. Great sometimes, And I know yours is now as well... But that doesn't make the things in my heart stop ticking every time I see a picture of you, Every time I read your status updates, Every time you somehow manage to wander in to my protected dreams. I'm afraid to sleep some nights because I know you'll be there, and I want to see you there.... Even though I know I shouldn't want that anymore.

I love you. You are a blessing to me. Even when I don't see you I know you're thinking of me, just like I'm thinking of you. We are connected, in the soul, even if not in the blood. You're there when I need you. I don't have to talk to you. I may really really want to sometimes, but, Even after all these years apart, you've always been my best friend. I hope our paths cross again one day, I hope I get to meet that valentines Adam. He was always in my dreams when I was younger, and now he's yours. I miss you.

You, are my best friend too. It's as if I were made to have you next to me forever. we fight... sometimes so much that I want to walk out.. But I've had that done to me, and I would never do it to you... mostly because I could never stay away. You fill up all the dark places inside me... And you face those parts of myself I don't know how to face. You've changed me since the moment we met. There are a lot of things I wish for... I want you with me when those wishes come true...

I need you. Like breath... like air. is that a contradiction? I don't know. I just need you. always. the thought of you not being there, even for a second, tears me up in ways... I can't begin to understand. You are the bandage to my wounds, the curse in my anger, the comfort in my sorrow. Without you... I am only a shadow of myself, I wish we weren't so shattered.

I love you. Without you, I wouldn't be what I am. (I am balling like a damned baby right now. Thank you... I needed this) I wanted nothing more that to be like you... I messed that up royally... But even with my faults.. I think I've turned out alright. You taught me things I'd need in life. I ignored a lot of those things until it was too late to turn back, but I still know it made me my best. Maybe not great... but I'm working on it. I miss you.

I love you all... I needed to get this out... and I'm really sorry if you hate that I haven't mentioned names.... A lot of this isn't anything I haven't told you in person... and if you're the two or three people I haven't told in person.. well.. there are reasons for that. Maybe not good ones... but justified none the less.


I needed to cry.. and this was the trick. I'm posting this in all my journals because I have no desire for this to seem like I'm hiding it from someone just because they don't have access to it. That wasn't the point.

***


IT'S SAFE NOW!

So, life has been okay. rearranged my living room today and unpacked some boxes that have been packed since we moved from California to Nevada in 05 I think it was... maybe 04. I can't even remember now.

It was kind of weird. We've lived in Oregon now for almost 3 years exactly so.. that was some OLD shit in those boxes... LOL

Well I need to switch the laundry and go to bed. I had 3 days off and now it's back to work.... YAY!!! (not)

Goodnight. or Morning... whichever.

~Jes.